Drop That Phone!

I took a call on my cell phone yesterday while driving down the freeway, and rather than use my speakerphone option, I held the receiver to the side of my head.  I know what you’re thinking, and it’s true.  I’m a bad man.

But when I exited the freeway, a Pierce County Sheriff was behind me, and when we came to a stop sign I glanced in my rearview mirror and noticed that he was speaking on his cell phone while holding it to the side of his head.  Now, emergency responders are exempt from the law prohibiting such an act, but he was not acting in an official capacity – he was on his way home.

So what?  First responders are clearly better trained than the average doofus we encounter during the morning commute.  They can handle far more distraction than a cell phone call and still drive safely.  Which gave me an epiphany – instead of preventing an activity that is truly dangerous when performed by a moron, why don’t we just prevent morons from getting drivers licenses?

Let’s compare the licensing requirements for flying a small aircraft in an empty sky with good visibility to those required for driving a Humvee and towing a boat during rush hour traffic in a blizzard while drinking a latte, finding a decent traffic report on the radio and breaking up a fight between two children in the back seat.  Much harder to get the pilot’s license.

People can be trained to multi-task.  Pilots review entire instrument panels, communicate with air traffic control, and navigate while directing their craft, with no white lines or safety strips to alert them when they veer off course.  Last I checked, there is nothing of the kind required for driving in a sea of traffic, and the evidence of that shows itself daily in the form of traffic “accidents”.  And once you get that license, we pretend that your physical and mental faculties never diminish, because, frankly, we’re all afraid deep down that one day it will be us having our license taken away and being forced to ride the bus from the assisted living facility to the IHOP.

So instead, we pass laws that prohibit holding a cell phone to your ear (but not scanning through the contacts looking for the number you want to dial), and pretend that we’re all safer for it.  But I have a better idea.  If first responders have proven that they have the capability to drive safely while talking on a cell phone, then let me take a similar test to retain that privilege as a private citizen.   In fact, I believe such capabilities should be tested for as a minimum competency.  After all, if a cell phone conversation is too distracting for you, then you shouldn’t be allowed to eat, drink, or have children in your car either.

As one blue collar comedian has said, “You can’t fix stupid.”  But you can test for it.  Otherwise you’re forced to treat the smart people the same as the stupid, which breeds contempt among smart people not just for this one law, but for all laws.

Again, I have the solution.  Just as the cell phone companies saw the benefit of a law requiring people to buy their hands-free kits, we must find the true winner in the effort to raise minimum standards for acquiring a driver’s license.  And that winner is Transit.  Why should only environmentally conscious people ride the bus?  Why not require drivers who are incapable of driving safely with one hand to leave the driving to someone else?  In the meantime, I will continue to hold cell phone conversations safely, if illegally, while driving my car.  Thank you very much, Senator Eide.